sometimes we need to remind ourselves formally....

Rachel,
You love Nora. She is a really fun little girl. You love to make her laugh and to help her discover new things.  You love spending time with her and making her feel special.
You are also exhausted. You feel strung out, over touched, unappreciated, and ignored.  All you want is to be left alone and to not deal with whining, crying and fits.
But remember this is a stage. And soon Nora will be four and on to another stage. Alot of her behavior is a result of how you respond and react.  If you lose your patience quickly why wouldn't she fly off the handle right off the bat? And also she's 3.  Let her be silly. Let her make a mess. Let her talk like a baby.  Let her say what she's trying to. Listen more.  Give her the why first before the instruction.
Most of all slow down. Stop trying to get everything done all the time. Decide what to do together and do it.  Less letting her lead so you can stay engaged longer.
Bake together!! Let her help cook.  Let her help clean.  Include her.
Choose to be happy and not make a big deal out of everything. O and next time. Make you a priority. Take time to be alone, to find clothes that fit. To decide what u want and do it and not have anyone touch you.
And most importantly pray. You seriously need to pray more.

survival

Day after day the only way I stay sane as a mom is the knowledge that we get another try tomorrow. When I yell or lose patience too quick, when I ignore and put chores first just so I can feel like I accomplished something, that I could control something... Even if only the dishes or floors..
When I tell Nora no I don't want to play even though I have nothing better to do... Those days I walk in a haze of fatigue and can't remember what we did.... I can wake up with hope that today will be better. I can praise God that his mercy is new each morning... That his grace is there for me. I can stop and rejoice when Nora is a good girl or listens well. I can smile and sigh when I achieve the special one on one time with both girls and some alone time to boot. I can laugh at the things that often leave me in tears. All because his mercy is new. The day is full of hope.  my babies are growing and will eventually sleep and not throw tantrums daily.  I just wish I could wash down this hope with a cup o coffee....

Sisters

9/4/2016
5:12 AM

I never had a sister growing up.

I had friends and I had plenty of brothers.

But I never experienced the bond I am now privileged to witness.

Nora is clearly Gwen's favorite. She looks for her anytime Nora talks. Many a nursing session has abruptly ended simply because Nora says something.

Nora was the first to get a big long lasting laugh from Gwen. 

If I use my stern voice with Nora, Gwen will whimper and cry.  And today after Nora tripped on our walk and scraped her knee, Gwen's face said it all as Nora cried. Her eyebrows showed her concern and her eyes glassed over as she clearly looked right at Nora. 

And Nora has come to adore Gwen. She is constantly coming up with new nicknames for her. And she loves to make Gwen laugh. She is hugging Gwen and will grab her head to turn it to find her if it's taking too long. 

Nora hates it when Gwen cries. When Gwen got her first shots Nora cried just as hard and longer. Whenever gwen gets fussy I will ask Nora if she thinks she is hungry or tired and quite often she gets it right.  And if I'm putting the girls to bed alone and Gwen is crying as I tuck Nora in, she won't want to go to sleep until I go take care of Gwen.

These two have such a connection, such kindred spirits and love.  I pray earnestly that this bond continues.  I would love to continue to watch this friendship deepen.  

I dream of the day I will listen to them play together, their giggles matched, their dancing synced, and their smiles mirrored.  

Before each one was born God gave me a promise of who they would be.

Nora would bring joy and be an honor to parent. Just as her name means.

Gwen would be a blessing.  And she has fulfilled that day after day.

God knew I thought boys were in my future, as they have been prominent in both our families.  But he knew what we needed, and who I needed.  Two incredibly wonderful little girls that not only make me content and happy but a better person as a whole. 

I love this parenting thing. Its surreal and ungraspable at times. And yet the greatest gift I could have ever imagined.

A Season of Bigger Sizes

7/31/2016
11:41 PM

I never realized how skinny I was until I had a baby. I had carried around an extra 10-20 lbs after getting married and had been frustrated. But after having a baby and fighting tooth and nail for any lb lost, it became a consuming struggle. 

After moving to ND I began to seek to lose weight in earnest. For about 6 months I was at the gym at least 3-4 days a week and really watching what I ate. I lost maybe 3 lbs. Then we got pregnant again and I didn't gain that much weight really. But I find myself back to that same struggle of weighing more and embracing myself less. 

I now am at the heaviest I've ever been not pregnant or immediately following. I know I'm only 2 months post baby. But my weight has plateaued. And in the past that is a sign of little movement to come.

The struggle is real. I am always hungry with nursing. And I can eat a ton in one sitting. But I don't often have time to make a salad or a healthy option. Between caring for Gwen and nursing and being there for Nora and trying to keep house.... Ok I need to give myself grace, i'm still figuring this all out.

What I really want to write about is the freedom to allow myself to have a "big season". I'm not saying a license to be overweight. But the freedom to not kill myself over it. I am in a season, much like a lot of moms I know, of having priorities that may not include the gym in the top 5. Therefore it may take me awhile to regain the slimmer figure I desire.

Easier said than done... For sure. Even as I write this a voice calls me out for making excuses. And though they are excuses, they may just help me stay sane.  I get overwhelmed easy this time around and too much on my plate makes me feel like I'm drowning. So I will focus on other things and try not to let my tight clothes make me hate my body. No I will choose to focus on the important things, try to correct my eating and trust that soon I will have the room in my life to focus more on regaining my body.

Dream Garden

7/26/2016
10:34 AM

I often dream of my future home and I spend a lot of time on the garden. I can picture myself planting, weeding, harvesting and preserving. Its been a dream of mine for awhile.  

Zucchinis - to eat, make relish, freeze for bread through the winter
Cucumbers - Nora is a fiend
Peppers bells - because bell peppers can actually have a smell and real flavor if they r fresh
Carrots - because a little bit of organic soil adds to the flavor and because Jordan and Nora gobble them up when they come fresh from a garden
Potatoes - because harvesting potatoes is a treasured childhood memory
Green beans - my favorite
Peas - so I can snack and then shell them on the porch and pretend I'm in another era
Broccoli- soups, with cheese, delicious
Sweet potatoes - cause they are tasty
Lettuce - can u say fresh salad all summer?
Tomato, cherry and reg - because if you've never had a home grown tomato you haven't lived
Onions - cause they have a flavor and a punch unmatched
Rhubarb - because it makes the best jam

Strawberries - duh
Raspberries - because you cant afford to buy them and if done right can be the size of a big grape

Apple tree - they r pretty and I love making applesauce
Cherry tree - cherry pie filling canned in the pantry? Yes please. O and springtime beauty unparalleled
Walnut tree - because Jordan loves walnuts, the tree is beautiful and because he has one in front of the house he grew up in and there is still a resident squirrel that will yell and throw walnuts at you.

What do u dream about?

a look back at life a few weeks before Gwen/

37 weeks

5/7/2016
10:21 AM

I cant believe how fast the time has gone this pregnancy. I'm technically 3weeks away from due time.  I feel like the rug could be pulled out from under me. And while I'm uncomfortable and emotional and struggling with my attitude some days, and with sleep every night. I'm nowhere close to what I was with Nora. 

I still have time I know. But I just feel that baby is smaller this time and I'm praying things will go smoother. It would be such a blessing to go into labor on my own at home. That would be such a gift. That is my prayer. And while I do have a big list of things I still want to accomplish before baby, nothing is dire.  
I feel that I have spent very little time thinking on all that is to come. I've rather been focused on the present and trying my best each day. 

I cant wait to meet this little lady. I'm not afraid of the labor to come. I may be when it starts, but now I know I can do it and the joys that await.  

What I don't know is how I will ever sleep. I'm also trusting God to give me a good sleeper.  

Having my parents here is a big blessing. Knowing that Nora is comfortable with them and they are mostly with her, sets me at ease. Yes they don't have feeding her down, but she's a picky one. It will all work out fine. And God willing i will only be in hospital one day and then I can come home. I cant wait for that feeling of being home with my new daughter and to begin shaping our new family. So special.

Mommyhood

Moms often don't feel appreciated or that all their effort goes unnoticed.

So NOT true.  It is simply accepted by our loved ones with no question, or surprise.  We pour ourselves into our families and they simply take it.

And it's not a bad thing!  Would you want your kids or husband to be surprised everytime you did something thoughtful?  Ok yes, but the point I'm making is, you have made your abundant love the "norm".  You have instilled in your family that THIS - ALL that you do, is what a mother's love looks like.  

It's a whole new way to look at it.  And really we should wear it as a badge of honor.  Because some day, your kids or husband will have an interaction with another mother or kids or spouse that will open their eyes to see that how YOU LOVE, may not be the "norm" after all.  There is so much negativity, judgement and just plain awfulness in our world, we should be honored to be able to give our families the foundation of what true love, motherhood and the love of Christ looks like lived out.

My mom always got up in the mornings, even in high school, and would pack lunches, make sure we got off ok.  I had a friend who would always secretly hope me or my brother wouldn't want our orange because my mom would slice the oranges in rings and this friend's mom had never done that.  :D  Or my mom would always say goodnight with a song a kiss, secret handshake, something.  We never went to bed alone.  "Don't let the bed bugs bite!" and we'd say back "If they do, take your shoe and smack um till they're black n blue!"  

My mom always cooked a big dinner, she always kept food/cereal/snacks on hand we could go eat during the day.  She trusted us to play outside unsupervised, or cook our own lunches.  She would read out loud to us, long books that may take weeks to finish, she'd read till her voice got too tired.  She'd wake up before everyone to pray and read the word, to make sure she was her best for us all.  

And she'd always say before we left, "Remember you're a Dargis!"  

I try to make my own small little imprints on my family too.  I hope that I can remember that it's the small and yet large outpourings of our mother hearts that creates in our family the expectation that this is what real love, God's love, looks like.