Fearfully?

Pslam 139:14
"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful, 
    I know that full well."

How much do we break God's heart?  How often do we talk about or think about the parts of us we would change or that we don't like.  I know I am guilty of it daily.  And even worse, there are times we say words that are so damaging and I can only imagine it brings tears to God's eyes.

I am so stupid.

I am so ugly.

I am so fat.

I hate ___ about me.

I am not normal.

Things that often we don't think about as "damaging" ourselves.  But they do.  These words are like a hand made, gold embossed invitation for the enemy to come on over!  Here's the way in!

I have been dwelling on this verse the past couple days. Chewing on it and wondering...why did David write "fearfully"? I understand "wonderfully".

Just take a human anatomy class and you'll be blown away at our makeup.  The fact is, you would be left in wonder if you truly understood how God has made each of us.

Can you grasp what David says just a few verses later?

"... all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

I like to think of God taking it upon Himself (thousands of years ago) before He made the world, to sit down and think up each of us in detail.  

"Hmm let's see.  I think I will make Rachel next.  We'll give her dark hair and complexion.  I'll give her a silly sense of humor.  I'll put it in her heart to serve me.  She'll have a really strong conscience.  And I will give her to the Dargis'.  I'm going to make her a little loud. *smiles* Oh wait until they hear her laugh.  Hmmm... I think I'll make Jordan next. A perfect match."

Come on guys.  Think about this.  God made every part of us on purpose.  He designed your nose, ears, elbows, knees, frame, height, etc.  He MEANT to make you the way you are.

I make myself stop and think about me like my loving God does.  It helps chase those horrible destructive thoughts and words away.

But "fearfully"?  What does this mean?  Well, after reading a few studies on it.  They all say it is our response to how we are made.  Our complexity should cause us to stand in fear, or awe of how God has made us.  His works inspire us to be awestruck and sometimes filled with fear at how awesome, large, and able He is.  And it's true.  Like I've been saying, if we really thought about it we would be in awe more.

Just the other day I saw a woman at work with one arm that was gone from the elbow down.  The rest of that day I was so conscience of my hand and how my fingers work.  How I don't even think about what I do before I do it.  It just happens.  It kinda makes you stop and say wow.

The Strongs Concordance says this:

Fearfully  in Hebrew = Yare' (ya-ray)

1) to fear, revere, be afraid

a) (Qal)

1) to fear, be afraid

2) to stand in awe of, be awed

3) to fear, reverence, honour, respect

b) (Niphal)

1) to be fearful, be dreadful, be feared

2) to cause astonishment and awe, be held in awe

3) to inspire reverence or godly fear or awe

c) (Piel) to make afraid, terrify

So we've covered the first part.  Now let me tell you about my thoughts.  They come from the second section of this.

To be feared, to cause astonishment, it inspire Godly fear or reverence.

That is what I think David meant.  When we live our lives for Him.  When we embrace the fact that we are wonderfully made, we will understand that we are Fearfully made too!

Suddenly we begin to live with the knowledge that the enemy lives in fear of us!  He lives in fear that we will realize who and what we are!  That we'll grasp this concept and suddenly take away that gold-embossed invite and send him fleeing!

We also start living in a way that we cause people to stop and stare and try to figure us out.  We start inspiring Godly fear and reverence in others!!!

Think about this!  If we embrace the way God made us ON PURPOSE there is power in it!  

Suddenly your words change!

I am complex!

I am wonderful!

I am powerful!

I am able!

I am smart!

I am beautiful/handsome!

I embrace my quirks cause God wanted me to have them!!

Oh can you feel that joy starting to build?  Can you feel it?  I can!! Whew!! 

Thank you God that I am WONDERFUL AND FEARFULLY MADE!!!

Words are not enough

This post holds so many answered prayers and dreams about to be realized, it feels daunting. I don't know how to start....

My God.  My loving, listening, powerful, scheming, planning, purposing, faithful, and unchanging God...has done us a solid. :)

I'm going to be honest.  I'm going to risk myself and my emotions by being real.

In our first few years of marriage we have learned why $ is the leading cause of divorce.  We have never been in want, we have always had enough.  But, it has always been a struggle.  Finances have caused alot of stress on us and our marriage.  He has continually blessed me with solid jobs.  Yet, for some reason God has pushed Jordan.  We have seen the loss of jobs and the gaining of jobs and the low pay and the raises in Jordan's life.  And I have come to be indignant at times.

My husband is faithful, he works hard, he is so capable and intelligent.  Why, God, do you hold back your blessings?  Why do you hold back rewards?  Why can he not find a decent job?

The Lord spoke to me during our first year when Jordan was out of work.  He said; "The atmosphere isn't ready for him yet."  and puny human Rachel goes, "What!?!? You are God, you can make this happen! What is that supposed to mean?" A month of doubt and questions later God moved and showed me what he meant when a unknown person, soon to be a friend, asked me what she could pray for us.  I told her a job.  Then she told me about a job available that Jordan would be great at.  I think it was a month later, he had the job and excelled.  We praised God and thanked Him.  And I learned a very important lesson about atmosphere.

Moving to Colorado was a very "un-rachel" thing to do.  It was sudden, it was unplanned, and it was stressful.  But we knew it was God's will and He had given me peace.  Of course 2 months here with no jobs disrupted that peace greatly.  These last 9 months or so have been a challenging journey.  Can you believe it's been that long?  Well, all along I have been pestering God.  "When will you reward Jordan?  When will a job come?"

Then in March we found out...we have 1 week to find a place to live and to get a 2nd income or we are sunk.  By that friday we had an apt and jordan had a job washing windows.  Again God showed up....BUUUT not early :)  O He is sooo infuriating!  But in an incredible way full of sweetness and goodness.

Since that fateful week we have made it a habit to thank God for all that we have.  And yet we still found ourselves living that life of month to month and paycheck to paycheck.  Trying to figure out how to pay back our debts from moving, how to rebuild savings and get back on our feet.  How??

I can't believe how much God cares for us sometimes.

Jordan goes to Peru the 1st  two weeks of August.  We had been starting to think about job hunting because his job wasn't going to work long term and we want to be able to make plans, start a family, live freely w/o $ causing grief.  Then Jordan got an email from a guy we met at church.

Suddenly this glimmer showed over the horizon.  And this indignant wife whose hope had all but vanished, felt something start flickering and burning again.  Could it be?  Could this be the wave of response from God that He has been building and scheming and planning?  Has He been up there chuckling with delight while I pester Him about how I think He should work in our lives.  Oooh my God so gets me.  He knows me so well, He planned things out to the day and hour.  And I can appreciate a good plan.  ;)

So we've been waiting on this opportunity for a few weeks and then suddenly Jordan gets an interview.  That day my heart never slowed down and my delicate hope was so vulnerable.  "God, I don't know what I'll do if he doesn't get this job.  I'm so out of hope.  But I trust you."

Let me show you how good my God is.

Jordan had an interview at 11am.  He was told he was a good candidate but wouldn't know for sure for a week or so.

BY 3 THAT AFTERNOON HE HAD A JOB OFFER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  AHHH!!!

I get overwhelmed with emotion just writing this.  I went from joy to disbelief to tears.  A job! A JOB!! With great pay and benefits and training and opportunity!!  All because of who Jordan is and was in front of this man at church, and God stirring that man's heart to see Jordan's potential.

Finally I can see my husband being rewarded I can see the world layed out before him and a big God standing behind him with His hand on J's shoulder.  I can see it.

So...Jordan received this interview with exactly 2 weeks notice for his current employer before he goes to Peru and when he gets home?  A new job awaits!  Come on...think about this timing guys?  Goodness just isn't enough of a word to explain my God.  No word is.  But He can see and feel the swell of my heart.  He knows that this means more to us than more money.  This means that hope...never dies.  That He is NEVER to late.  Even if it feels like Lazarus is dead already.  HE IS NEVER LATE! This means that having new clothes, furniture, more date nights, paying debts, and starting a family are all within reach now.  He knows that puny human Rachel has seen a miracle and now her faith and hope are ablaze again.  This job means so much more than 9-5.

This is God doing us a solid. :)

Watch for Little Foxes

I do not profess to be an expert on marriage.  I can only share the knowledge I have gained from 26 years of observing marriage modeled for me by my parents, siblings, friends, relatives and others. Aside from that I can pull what I have learned from 2 and 1/2 years of marriage.  Again...it is nothing ground breaking or great wisdom no one else has understood.  It is simply the result of my journey and I believe there is great value in chronicling and sharing my journey.

I learned very early on that no matter what anyone says or how hard they try to explain, you will never truly know what marriage means, how hard it is, how much work it takes, and the incomparable joy that it brings in your life.  It shocked me to discover how hard it is to take 2 separate lives and mash them together.  With habits, cleanliness, thinking process, expectations, likes and dislikes.  I was also blown away at how being married can make you feel better than any romantic comedy movie or any story or anything you can imagine.  A Christ centered loving marriage is the most incredible blessing.  I have never felt so fulfilled and so happy than when I am sitting quietly, cuddling with Jordan.  There are those memories of the blissful happiness while dating; saying I love you, first kiss, listening to each others hear beat, when he proposed, etc. But even still, there is a much greater reward God saves for marriage.  It is experiencing unconditional love and a pure desire for each other.  It is the closest example we will ever have of what God talks about with His bride and church.

One of the most impacting things I have learned from our marriage is one of my greatest weaknesses that is used against me:  My thoughts.  From how I perceive something, to how my train of thought leads me on a trail to anger and hurt.  So often arguments and wounds result directly from my lack of control over my thoughts.  Maybe Jordan says something of hand with a "tone".  Suddenly my mind goes on defense and starts analyzing what he said.  Before I know it my husband (in my mind) is trying to hurt me or just doesn't care how I feel.  What a load of bullocks!  What a nasty trick...one that my mind starts justifying by what my emotions now tell me.

The thing is... I don't believe that I'm alone.  I think this happens with many wives.  I think our thought life is a battleground.  I think that as women, our thoughts are not addressed enough.  Maybe if we can harness our minds we can prevent the resulting "symptoms".

Here's what I'm getting at:

Proverbs 2:15
"Catch for us the foxes,
the little foxes that ruin the vineyards,
our vineyards that are in bloom"

Ever since this passage was first brought to my attention, I have obtained a powerful weapon for my Thought Wars. I have obtained crucial intelligence and I can read the moves of my opponent.  Not always, but I'm getting better at it, I am honing my skills.

But I'll tell you what, in those moments when offense starts building and emotions begin to boil, I can stop all my thoughts and whisper to myself; "Little foxes...little foxes..." and if that's not enough I can say; "He loves me, he doesn't want to hurt me, he is not attacking me, we are on the same team."

I have noticed a change in me.  I have noticed a decline in arguments.  I have noticed that many times the catalyst of an argument happens in the mind when emotions blind and suddenly things go red.  I have noticed that I can change it and control it.  I have noticed that Truth is a powerful weapon.  I can catch those little foxes that try to ruin my vineyard.  I can win my Thought Wars.