Mommy thoughts

thoughts i've had as a mother:

nora has a constant hunger that only her little hands can satisfy :)

Nora's toes are like fort knox for toe lint.

I think we blow Nora's mind every time she watches us eat and magically make things disappear.

How can such a small person change your entire world?

How can I possibly love someone so much?

How can such a small person love me so much?

I love how soft Nora's hands are.  it's like touching silk.

Nora has a vendetta against my favorite onsie.  EVERY TIME she wears it she has a blow out.  And I mean everytime.  I had to retire it just to make the blow outs stop.

I never thought milk breath would smell so good :)  I love Nora's breath.

It's amazing how quickly poo, bodily fluids running freely and smelling someone's butt becomes totally normal.

It's also amazing how quickly you learn to stealth breastfeed in public places.

It's stunning how far a nursing mom can spray milk and the velocity at which it sprays.... who'da thought.

It's amazing how time seems to speed up and yet take forever when you have a newborn.

I am continually amazed to watch a little person develop, mentally, emotionally & physically.  Just watching her learn to hold up her head or roll or master her hands...it's incredible!

Nora doesn't like it when i take a shower and put her in her chair in the bathroom.  i think she gets freaked out  by mommy's "floating head" poking out randomly.  she will get upset if i just stick my head out. :)  quite dis concerning i guess.

I never thought I would have so much pride when someone tells me how adorable my little girl is all dressed in pink.  :)

Life has never been so hard or so wonderful.

It takes a village...

I have always loved the phrase "It takes a village to raise a child."

I wish that our culture lived by this more.  I wish that it wasn't so common and easy for your family to disperse to all corners of the country.  In family that is pretty literal.  One in Alaska, one in Minnesota, one in N. Carolina & mom & dad either here in Colorado or arizona or traveling.  O and Jeremiah is all over :)  So we've got quite a distance to bridge to get the "village" together.

I know "village" can mean friends that are like family or a church family.  But there's something about family being apart of your life and your kids' lives.

To me this phrase says so much more than "kids are hard to raise".  It talks about the importance of a child learning from a group of people and not just mom & dad.  Being exposed to different ways of thinking, living, loving & learning.  It speaks to the need for parents to be supported, to get breaks or advice or just help or an ear to listen or a reassuring hug.

It speaks of how "the village" too, needs to be part of a child's youth.  This is how our family history is passed on.  This is how you can see a trait, like sarcasm or a sense of humor or how a word is pronounced or a secret family recipe (like addictive cookies), passed down from generation to generation.  It is so meaningful for family members to be there and a part of a kids' childhood.

I can't explain how important it is for a new parent to be able to share their sudden understanding of their parents with them as they go through the same challenges the now grandparents did.

Anyway, really I just wanted to say how much I appreciate my own "village".  Whether part of our life here in Colorado, via skype & phone or strictly virtual/internet village,  I am so very grateful for you all.

3 month graduation

3 months

I am fully aware it doesn't make me an expert.  In fact I'm more convinced than ever that parenting is 100 times harder than anyone could imagine.

But I have learned alot already.  Mainly I've learned patience.  People often say not to ask God to give you patience because He will give you "opportunities" to work on your patience.  Never before in my life have I ever been so challenged with patience, and that's saying alot.  I am not a patient person. :)

But these days my little girl can literally scream and sqeal away and yes, I may need to put her down and plug my ears occasionally, but I can also go back and pick her up and figure out what's wrong and sooth her. My ever patient husband, who I've always relied on to help when I reach my patience end, has now comment on how much more patience I have.  So praise God for already using my precious daughter to teach me and make me a better person. :)

But today I really realized that I am finally starting to feel somewhat comfortable being a mom.  I am able to shrug off a week of incredible struggle and challenges with my little girl and say with conviction, "yea it was just a phase."

I'm learning that my little girl is constantly talking to me,  I just need to listen and pay attention.  Like today I realized that when I'm trying to put her to sleep and she starts arching her back and insisting on being almost upside down, actually may mean, "mom I want to fall asleep alone, lay me down."

And now after making it through her 3 month growth spurt and week of challenges, she is such a sweet heart!  she wakes up full of smiles, she squeals and talks away, she smiles when I walk into a room, she unknowningly says "mum" when she is crying and it makes me melt.

As I said, I could never have imagined how hard being a parent would be, but I also never imagined how incredible it is either.  I've never been so in love with someones chubby cheeks, or milk breath or little chubby thighs.

all it took was 3 months. :)

A baby's smile

Being a Mom is unlike everything I ever imagined.

Here are a few things I never expected or imagined:

How little sleep you can actually run on.

How fast you can go from dead asleep to wide awake just because of one little squeak.

How much lint can get stuck between toes, fingers and armpits.

How much time I can spend just trying to make her smile or laugh.

How incredibly strong Nora already is.  Oh..and stubborn.

How easy Nora can make me melt completely with one look or sound.

And this brings me to one of my favorite re-occurring moments with Nora:

While eating just after waking, she will slowly open her eyes and make eye contact with me.  Then she will stop eating and with her mouth still "full"  she'll give me a Giant smile with her little dimples and say her go to coo sound, "A-coo".  I always melt and can't stop the biggest smile ever from forming.

*sigh* Oh my sweet girl, how could I have ever imagined how amazing this journey would be.

Nora's Arrival

The plan was as unplanned as I could make it. Have a natural birth, hopefully a water birth, at the midwifery. I had envisioned how I wanted it to go. I had wanted to catch her, have my hands be the first she felt. I had wanted peace and comfort and natural support, gentle handling.

And if I'm being extremely honest, I think subconsciously I thought that this kind of birth would have some kind of grand effect. That I could achieve it with a level of awareness I didn't think you could have any other way. There was pride to be had to achieve birth in this way.

I say all this to make the point of how disappointed I was when the midwife said we would be transferring to Swedish hospital.

My heart was so set on this type of experience. I cried and mourned the loss of it. On top of the loss there was also the large amount of uncertainty. We had not prepared for this reality; not mentally, emotionally, financially, in anyway. So my fear level was pretty high. I heard the words “induced” and “drop in heart beat” and my brain went straight to all the worst case scenarios. That and fear that I would be co-herced into interventions that I didn't want. Honestly, I just succumbed to fear for a few hours. All this to say, we may have our plans and ideas, but God orders our steps. And no matter what I feared, God was totally in control.

Also, I've learned the valuable lesson that every birth is a miracle. No matter how it happens or where, it is amazing, incredible and precious. There should be NO SHAME connected with ANY birth “style” and I regret ever having the opinion that one way is better than another. A child is a miracle, no matter how they arrive.

So to begin...

Friday the 6^th of September we went to the midwifery for my 41 week appointment. We went in thinking they would sweep my membranes, give me herbs or other things to help labor along. The first thing they did was hook me up to a heart and contractions monitor to do a stress test on baby. As I was reclining, eating crackers and drinking the best apple juice both Jordan and I have ever had, we heard her heart beat slow way down. We both looked at each other and said, “Did you hear that?” Oddly, I don't remember being afraid of the fact her heart slowed down so far. It wasn't until half an hour later that the midwife came in, took a look at the printout and sat down to give me the news. She explained that the low variance in her heart was very concerning and we would watch it for awhile longer, but we were probably headed to the hospital. It was that “probably” that really set me up for a big emotional crash. I thought, “Ok, so if it doesn't happen again, we're ok.” Well, not so. It wasn't much longer before she came back and confirmed that we would be going to Swedish. It wasn't an emergency, but the baby needed to come out ASAP and the hospital would induce me.

O the heart break, the fear and the anger. One thing I am so grateful for is that the midwife encouraged me to cry and be mad and to mourn. She said it was healthy and needed. That way when we checked in I could just move forward. True wisdom. After she checked me and found a very soft cervix but barely 1 cm dilated she requested we go eat lunch and come back once she talked to the Doctor who would assume our care.

On the way out we ran into one of our class instructors, Melissa. She took one look at me and walked right over and said, “You need a hug. What's going on?” Of course I start crying again and tell her we were transferring. I thank God she saw us. She spent 15-20 mins talking and trying to calm my fears and answer questions. In the end she really helped ease my mind. She also encouraged me to spend some time crying and cursing and just letting my emotions out. It was these pep talks that really helped me realize I needed to correct my frame of mind and just move forward. Dwelling on the “loss of my ideal birth” would only create turmoil and bitterness.

So, we went to Safeway and picked out snacks and stuff to do, which we didn't end up using. We also picked up some sandwiches and then called our parents to let them know what was happening. I broke down a handful of times and let myself. Jordan was amazing and just comforted me and tried to help me see that it was OK and that I should move forward. He was right, but I needed to give myself time. That and I was still afraid of the hospital staff making me do things I didn't want. Thankfully, a needless fear I would soon learn.

The midwife had yet to contact the doctor and asked us to stay in town until she heard. We were kind of at a loss. You just said we needed to head to the hospital now you want us to just hang out? Apparently so! So we drove around, went to some stores, texted family and friends, etc. Then around 3pm we got the call from the midwife. We were to check in by 8pm. Confusion again....why wait? So we called my parents, told them not to come down and then decided to go to a movie. The only one playing was “Planes” and it was a definite kids movie. :) But it killed roughly 2 hours of our time and it was in a cool, semi comfortable place. It had been super warm, in the 90's.

Then we decided to go to dinner at a sports bar type place. Still can't remember the name of it. But the food was great! I scarfed down a salad and an appetizer of dumplings while Jordan downed a burger. Again, the food was tasty! While we were eating I had 3 or 4 contractions, which got our hopes up for avoiding being induced.

By then it was 7 and we decided just to head to the hospital and get settled. I hadn't broke down since we got the last call from the midwife. But as we pulled into the parking garage, I lost it again. I was hit by a wave of fear. Jordan held me and waited for me to calm down. Trying his best to reassure me and help me reset my frame of mind.

The next thing that happened was both frustrating and comical. We used a sky bridge to get across the street to the hospital. We had no idea that there were 3 different buildings and that all of them are under construction. We happened to go into one that felt kind of like a total renovation. There were multiple cleaning people we ran into and they either didn't speak English or had no idea where we needed to go. Eventually we went outside and made our way to the main building. Finding Labor and Delivery from there was easy. I remember there was a family in the waiting room when we arrived and a lady asked me, “Are you all ready?” and I tried my best to smile and say yes.

We checked in at the nurses station and were escorted into our delivery room. Nothing to comfy and homey, but not as bad as it could have been. One thing I'll always remember with contempt is that bed. Oh my goodness was it hard and uncomfortable. But we had a TV and we had our own bathroom and it was a private room.

After the nurse had us register and got us checked in Jordan went out to the car to get all of our stuff. Luckily we had brought it all with us just in case. Poor guy, it was so incredibly hot outside and he made it in just one trip.

Soon our nurse came in to get us settled, she gave us a tour of the wing, it included a kitchen completely stocked with snacks, drinks, coffee, etc. all available to us. We found that incredible. I was beginning to realize this was not a strict, play by our rules or else type place. Amazing how my mind had been so filled with fear.

Once we were settled, took showers and what not. The nurse inserted a Cervidil strip. It's a hormone that goes directly into your cervix to help it soften. Prep work for labor. We were praying that this would put me into labor so we could avoid Petocin.

After an extremely entertaining show of Jordan trying to get the “chair-bed” figured out, we tried to go to sleep. It was evasive for me. Between the anxiety, the IV tube in my arm (ouch), the belly heart monitors, the rock hard bed, the strange surroundings, etc. I just couldn't sleep. So eventually I rang the nurse and asked for a sleeping aide. I got about 3 hours of sleep and Jordan even less as he was concerned for me. Around 3-3:30AM I woke up with contractions. They were coming every 15 mins or so.

At this point all concept of time went out the window for me. It didn't help that the digital clock on the wall was military time. Multiple times I would give up and just ask people what time it was.

We kept trying to sleep until about 6:30AM when the nurse came in to check on things. While she was examining me the Cervidil came out and she said it was just as well cause I was on my way.

This is where time and the order of things gets really hazy for me. At some point our Douala showed up, early enough for me to remember her, talk with her and what not. Immediately I felt like we had someone to guide us. In hindsight I have no idea how we would have made it through without her. She suggested we try laboring on the toilet multiple times. I made a lot of my progress on the toilet. She also suggested we get in the shower and try to be intimate to help things.

Those contractions in the shower were some of the most bearable. With the water on my back and Jordan supporting me they seemed OK. This is when I really missed the water birth we had planned. Another thing that Jordan did that really helped early on was talk to me and distract me. Bring up memories or paint pictures for me. But like I said, this was early on. :)

I remember our doula feeding me a bagel and cream cheese (delish) and she constantly had a water bottle straw up to my mouth after each contraction. Another life saver. It is thirsty work!

I still am unsure why, but all of my labor was back labor. This made for a very exhausted me. The only comfortable positions were on my knees leaning on a ball on the bed or on the toilet. I couldn't sit, lay down, nothing. This was very frustrating for me. Many times I remember just begging for a break, to be able to lay down, but as soon as I did, I would be in pain. Since the labor was in my back so much, I constantly needed counter pressure. Jordan said for about an hour and a half I would call out for help. Pushing my hips together or pulling up on them or pushing on pressure points. Often I didn't know which one I needed until he tried and I would call out for a different one. Without that counter pressure I felt like I was about to be overcome. Jordan said his arms ached and eventually the ladies tried to do it for him so he could get a break. But they just weren't strong enough. Thank God for my husband and his willingness to go through labor with me. I don't care what anyone says, Dad's/ partners GO THROUGH LABOR TOO.

I remember being told my parents had arrived and were waiting. Knowing they were there was very comforting. Mom had also brought a brush and I'll never forget how comforting it was when our doula brushed my hair for me between contractions.

Again, I have no concept of time line or order of events for most of the 10 hours of labor. I do know that when first checked I was at 3cm and later 6cm. Our nurse kept insisting that I lay on the bed when she checked me. I've already stated how painful that was, but on top of that, the hospital staff were not at all gentle when it came to checking. Maybe it was just me in that moment, but I felt like they would just go for it, no easing their way in. I know there are circumstances that call for it, but honestly.... that is one part of the experience I hated. I remember one instance telling the nurse to stop, she wanted to check me during a contraction and in my mind I practically yelled/begged her to wait. Thankfully she did wait until the contraction passed.

I remember when I was in transition. I was on the toilet and the contractions were coming almost every minute. It is at this point that Jordan started getting stern with me and making me look into his eyes and breathe with him. After I realized it helped I would ask him to breathe with me if he wasn't already. Our doula told me I got close to hyperventilating a few times. Just the constant onslaught was astounding. I also remember those moments of doubt, looking at Jordan and crying and saying, “Honey, I don't think I can do this. I just can't.” immediately Jordan and our doula would disagree and encourage me. At this point was the only time the staff offered pain meds. The nurse said to me, “All you have to is let me know and we can get you something to help.” Jordan sternly told her no. He later told me it was one of the hardest parts, seeing me in so much pain and insisting it continue when just a word from him and I would get meds. I'm grateful he stayed strong.

As difficult and as painful as it was, I am so glad I got to feel it all. It may sound weird, but it's true.

Now the funny thing about transition is that before I had thought knowing that everyone goes through those moments of “I can't”, being equipped with that knowledge would help me. Boy was I wrong. I couldn't think past catching my breath, drinking some water and bracing for the next one. All strategy and conscious thought went out the window.

I also remember the moment the baby descended. We were walking from the bed to the toilet and right in the doorway I felt this huge urge to push. I yelled, I think the baby is coming. The doula practically hit the floor to look and then told me no, no it's not. But I couldn't move, I felt like the baby was going to fall out! Then it passed and we made it to the toilet. Suddenly the back labor left and with it a cloud. I had made the transition. I remember looking at Jordan and saying something like, “I'm so thankful it's not in my back anymore!”

As I sat on the toilet I kept having the urge to push and with each contraction it was getting stronger. Finally I called out that I couldn't stop it, my body felt like it was pushing. The doula told me to let it, just don't add to it. I remember thinking, how do I add to it? This is insane!!

The nurse came in and decided to check me while I was on the toilet. As she did she told me I was at 9cm and had a little lip of cervix left. While she was checking she broke my water, works out since I was on the toilet. All I remember is hearing a gush of liquid and relief as she left me alone.

It wasn't too long after that that we made our way back to the bed. I was able to lay on my back now, but only shortly as the contractions and the urge to push continued. The nurse checked me again at some point and announced I was ready to push. I remember Jordan's face lit up and he tried to encourage me with this news. Part of my brain felt like a wave of relief hit it, part of me wanted to just sob and cry, but I couldn't because the rest of me knew that now I had to start working hard. I asked to take off my nighty for the pushing. I had a sport bra of sorts on but I wanted the nighty off for when she came out we could be skin to skin as much as possible.

They started me on the squat bar. This was a big challenge for me. My body was so exhausted and I would have to hoist myself up from a sitting or laying position with each contraction. But thankfully they were coming further apart now. I was present between contractions and through them. No more fog. The nurse kept telling me she was letting the doctor know we were pushing. Kept telling me over and over it seemed. I kept thinking I don't care! :)

It was during this position that the nurse lost the baby's heart beat and couldn't find it again using the external heart monitor. She then announced she would need to put in an internal monitor. Ironically this is the “intervention” we researched for our birth class so I knew that she would be screwing a tiny screw into my baby's head. I didn't want her too, but I also knew she had to have a monitor and this was it. So up she reached. In the end Nora only had a tiny little mark on her scalp. I still wish it could have been avoided, but it was proved needed in the end.

So, eventually the nurse and our doula realized that the “pushing” I was doing wasn't making progress. Nothing was resulting from my efforts. I had no idea how to “push” I was just trying to go with the pressure. So they had me try on my hands and knees. Again no dice. I know that each contraction was helping move the baby down, but it wasn't making obvious progress. So then they had me get on my back and pull my legs toward me and push. It was at this point that the nurse would insert her fingers with a contraction and say push at my fingers. At first I was pissed that she was causing me more pain, but then I realized what “pushing” meant and how to do it. This is when I started making progress. They coached me to tuck my chin, breath deep and hold it while I pushed. They told me to wait until the peak of the contraction, to me that was when it almost took my breath away. I would feel it build and build and build, I would breath breath breath and PUSH! It was like when you see a wave in the ocean coming and you do lots of breaths before your last big breath and the plunge under.

They told me not to let my breath out and make noise but to push all my power down. This is really hard to do. Especially towards the end. I had to let out some noise and it made me mad when I felt like I was being shooshed. Honestly though I don't know how loud I was being. Jordan said it was like I was yelling.

Well anyways, it was at some point here that Dr. Hall came in. My first time meeting him and I'm spread eagle. Funny thing was I didn't care. He checked out my progress and came over to me and patted me on the leg. No idea what he said, but I was comforted by his presence. He's an older gentleman and I felt extremely safe and secure with him. He is a renowned doctor, one of the only ones in Colorado that will deliver breech babies vaginally. I'll always remember his voice above all the other voices, coaching and encouraging me on.

About the time they first spotted the babies head, my legs started shaking with fatigue. Between contractions our doula and Jordan or Dr. Hall's resident would hold my legs for me. Or they would set them on the bed. But the shaking was unsettling for me and scary. Everyone told me it was ok don't worry, but I would try to stop it, which only made things worse and me more tired. At some point I either forgot about it or it stopped. I remember now that once they could clearly see the babies head, everyone began to cheer me on with each push. I remember multiple times hearing “You are almost there!” “So close!” and after another few pushes I would want to call them all liars. :) Almost means one or two more pushes not 10 or 12.

Part of this experience I am super grateful for is the feeling of her head as I pushed. The pressure was so great I remember thinking, I'm pushing out an elephant. It didn't feel good. But with each push I could feel that there indeed was something and it was coming out. Ever so slowly but still.

I think it was about 5 or 6 pushes before she was born that I heard the nurse tell the doctor that the heartbeat was at “80”. No idea what that means, but Dr. Hall told me that we needed to get this baby out. He began to insert his fingers with each contraction. Jordan said he was trying to rotate her head and help her come out. To me it felt like his whole hands were going in there.

With each push Dr. Hall would tell me, “Keep it going, keep it going, don't quit don't quit!” And his voice was so encouraging that I didn't want to. A few times I pushed past the end of my contraction trying to “not quit”.

Jordan said that Dr. Hall told me what he was doing, but I didn't hear or comprehend until I felt a snip. I remember saying, “What are you doing!?!?” Dr. Hall had felt the cord around the babies neck and had decided to cut my perineum to give the baby more room. It was another 4 pushes after that, but I remember distinctly feeling the progress. It was around this point that I remember looking up and suddenly there was a influx of people in the room.

I remember those last few pushes, I literally felt like my head was going to explode. I remember I made off handed remarks a few times and got the whole room laughing. But one thing I remember vividly was the cheering everyone did when I pushed. It was so encouraging. I think the cheering enabled me to push more. Not, “almost there” but, “That's so good! We can see the head! We can see her hair!” just really encouraging things.

Jordan told me later that Dr. Hall had him come over to watch her head being born. I remember Jordan encouraging me that he could see her head, he was so excited. I got excited too and asked what color her hair was. He said he couldn't tell. It was a few more pushes before they told me she had dark hair. Jordan said it was incredible to watch, he said he couldn't believe how big her head was.

And then the final push. I remember the final feeling of pressure and then this gush of relief. Suddenly all the pressure was gone and I could feel the rest of her slide out. They unwrapped the cord from around her head and lifted her up so I could see.

My very first reaction was, “She's huge!” They quickly laid her on my chest. I remember she was so warm and still covered in blood and other liquids. I told one of the nurses, “Don't bathe her.” and she said ok. They still wiped her really clean and removed all the vernix, which I didn't want. But o well. While she was on my chest they used a bulb syringe to clean out her mouth and nose. It was done out of concern since there was meconium present and they wanted to ensure clear breathing passages. I regret how roughly the bulb syringe was used though. Later my breast feeding consultant told me that that action can be somewhat tramatic for newborns and could have contributed to our latch problems. Anyways, I held her for 7 minutes. I don't know why I know that but I do. Someone told me she was born at 3:50pm, I must have looked at the clock. During that time I just looked at her and Jordan was there next to me. Then he cut the cord while she was on my chest. I was so bummed when they took her away to clean her and check her airways. I didn't even get to breastfeed at first.

This is another area that I have very little recollection. After they took her I asked for her back asap and they said no, I had to wait until I was all stitched up. That part didn't register but I insisted that Jordan get to hold her asap then, skin to skin. Here's where things got hazy again. Apparently during this time I was bleeding a lot. They started an iv w/petocin and fluids and put an oxygen mask on me. I remember Dr. Hall helping my placenta come out. It didn't seem like he waited long at all. But the next thing I knew, I had to tear my eyes away from my baby girl and focus on the pain again, and then to push. The only way I can think to describe birthing the placenta is this, it felt like a balloon half filled and coated with pudding. It wasn't painful to push just odd. There was quite a ruckus about how big my placenta was. Everyone was exclaiming how huge it was.

Then I stopped paying attention again and was looking for Jordan and the baby. I kept asking them to take the blood pressure cuff off my arm. It kept tightening and being so annoying. The nurse kept telling me no and apologizing. And whenever I asked to hold my baby again I heard, no you have to get sewed up first. I couldn't understand that reasoning. But in hindsight, I was losing a lot of blood and they probably didn't want me holding her in case I lost consciousness.

I remember the needle pricks as Dr. Hall numbed me so he could sew me up. I also remember hearing him teaching his resident as he did so. I remember looking up and seeing them surrounded by trays and they had masks on and full scrubs. It struck me as so odd that such measures were needed for a birth.

Soon Jordan brought her over to me and let me see her face. He kept telling me how beautiful she was and how good I did. Then they said ok I could hold her and I got to hold for a little bit. I remember asking Jordan, “Well? Is she a Nora?” and he said, “Yes, she is our Nora.”

I remember thinking it odd that I had not cried or even felt super emotional. I must have been in shock and just exhausted.

Eventually they took the baby again to measure her and check her out again. My mom and dad had come in to the room by this point, at least an hour later. Mom said the nurse stuck a gloved finger in Nora's mouth. In hindsight another contributor to our latch challenges. I had asked they wait to administer the Vit K shot until I was able to breastfeed immediately after, which caused a delay for them. The staff needed me to pee before we did anything else. They had pumped an entire bag of IV fluids into me and my bladder was full. They helped me walk to the toilet and ran water and a few different people came in to help try and distract me so I could pee. They even let me sit in a the tub in some warm water to help my body release, but I just couldn't do it. I think I was so sore, still a little numb and just so exhausted my body just wouldn't respond. So, the nurse asked if she could just catheterize me. I agreed, I just couldn't make myself go. As I got out of the tub I felt woozy and nauseous. So they got me a wheel chair. I remember thinking how odd it was that everyone was being so cautious with me. I had no idea how low on blood I was. There was a lot of concern, but I had no idea. And I'm grateful. Fear would have been a terrible addition to that time. So the lady emptied my bladder for me while I watched them weigh Nora. I remember Jordan was with her trying to calm her and the doula was next to me stroking my head and telling me how good I did. I looked her deep in her eyes and told her how grateful I was for her help and support. Then they announced her weight, 9lbs 7oz. Everyone's jaws dropped. My mom, Jordan, the doula, we all were just taken aback at how big she was.

Then they did the Vit k shot in the leg and rushed her to me. I quickly put her to my breast and she latched pretty quickly. (In hindsight it was a terrible latch, barely got the nipple in her mouth, a terrible beginning.) But I had no idea and started crying because it was just so beautiful. I was nursing my daughter.

If I remember correctly at this point she only had a diaper on and I only had my sports bra on and we were skin to skin. At some point they put a sheet over us when I began to feel chilly. Jordan put a pair of his socks on my feet for me and they got me more blankets. Mom and Dad were in the room for a bit, Mom hovering and Dad standing back just observing. I still remember their faces when they first came in the room, full of smiles and expectation. Pure joy as they looked at Nora and I got to tell them her name. I handed her to mom and they were just in awe. I wish I could remember this part more clearly, the after stuff. Those first moments and meetings.

We had to hangout in our room for another couple hours as we were waiting for our recovery room to be ready for us. They wanted to put is in a room with 2 beds so Jordan could get good sleep. The nurse told me the beds were much more comfortable and I praised the Lord. :) My Uncle and Aunt stopped in to visit shortly and brought us presents. We joked that they might be the only clothes that fit her since she was so big!

Our doula helped get all our things gathered and put on a cart for easy moving and then took her leave. She had been a vital part of the birth in my mind. A guide down a path I had been clueless of. I still think if she had not been there we may not have achieved the natural birth.

As I was wheeled to the recovery room and helped into bed and handed my baby, things were so surreal. We were a family!

I was still covered in blood, I had just put the same nighty back on. I remember telling Jordan I stank so bad, but I just couldn't manage a shower. He said not to worry about it and that the scent would be comforting to the baby. It was her and my scents. So I just let it go. I just remember being so relieved to be quiet in our own room with my own little family. Jordan was absolutely exhausted and I was on a high. I knew I was tired but I couldn't even think of going to sleep. It worked out as there is no such thing as a quiet room for long in a hospital. I had to fill out paperwork, discuss things and answer questions with the nurse etc. I didn't really mind as I knew it was required of me. But I really just wanted to be left alone.

Eventually we were, Jordan was out like a light and I sat up most of the night just staring at my daughter in my arms. I did have to call the nurse to help me go to the bathroom as I just couldn't manage on my own yet.

With the blood loss making me weak, the stitches making me sore and the sudden emptiness of my abdomen making me short of breath and unable to stand upright, I needed the help. That was an unreal feeling, having room for my lungs and all that empty space in my torso. It was like my body didn't know what to do with it. Breathing deep was a challenge and it took a good day and a half before I could walk upright and by myself.

We ended up staying in the hospital until Monday afternoon. Mom and Jeremiah visited shortly on Sunday and Jordan and I walked the halls alone while mom babysat. That was a wonderful moment, just the two of us, holding each other in a hospital hallway, letting it all sink in.

Not much had gone as planned. It was a million times harder than anything I imagined. I couldn't believe how big and healthy and beautiful our daughter was. I was extremely grateful I achieved the birth as naturally as possible. Even though the pain was tremendous and transition seemed unattainable, I am so glad that I was able to feel my baby be born. I felt the contractions and my body demand I push. I felt the release of her head being born and the rest of her coming out. I remember the pressure, the stress, the frustrations, o I remember it. But I'm glad for it.

I thank God for His plan and all the folks who were part of it.

I'm also grateful for all the prayers said for us and the love and support we received.

I am so incredibly grateful for my amazing partner, best friend and husband, Jordan, who stood by me and labored with me.

It wasn't what I wanted, it wasn't what I envisioned or planned for, but this was my delivery and Nora's birth and it was beautiful.

Anticipation

Pregnancy

The last few weeks of pregnancy have taught me an incredible lesson.  One I had not expected.  That is the power of anticipation.

I have this knowledge that there is a little person inside of me and at anytime, literally anytime, she could decide it's time to enter our world.  And I have absolutely no control over when.  I also know that even though it will be painful and I have no idea what to expect, I can't wait for it to happen.  So I try to "will it" to happen. :)

I have become so in-tune, the slightest change, twinges, shifts, odd things...they all make me stop, evaluate and again will it to happen.  I also find myself praying ALOT more, and seeking God for understanding and peace.

Last night as I was reflecting on the newest "developments" in my final pregnant stage, God dropped this jewel in my lap.

"Can you imagine if you lived your whole life this way?  What would it be like?  How different would it be?  How much more would God be able to work?"

suddenly the above paragraphs could turn into:

I have this untapped possibility inside of me, and at anytime, it could be unleashed.  A door could open, an opportunity dropped in my lap and suddenly that possibility is a reality.  I don't know what it is or will be like, but I know I'm excited about it so I try to make it happen and do all I can to help it along.

I have become so in-tune to the slightest change, flicker, meeting new people, odd things, open doors, un-forseen opportunities, they all make me stop and evaluate and test them to see if this is it.  I also find myself praying ALOT more, and seeking God for understanding and peace.

I am still impatient to meet our little girl.  I'm still on the edge of my seat with each new sensation wondering if this is labor?  O I just want to meet her!!!  But this is a good lesson to learn and ponder on as I wait.

Reflections on the last 30 weeks

The first trimester.  We got about a week of excitement and joy before the fog of exhaustion settled stubbornly over me.  From that point on I don't really remember much of our life as whole for the next 2 1/2 months.  I often wonder how I got through work, really how did I?  And how did no one notice?  But what I do remember was my incredible, patient husband stepping up like never before.  A switch was flipped and suddenly Poppa Bear Jordan began to emerge.  He has always been an incredible partner and supporter.  But he reached a whole new level.  Cooking dinner, cleaning the house, getting me to bed (sometimes carrying me) early, never losing patience, doing the laundry, etc etc all while working full time and showering me with love and encouragement.  He was incredible.  And it wasn't until the fog began to lift and I started being me again that He asked for help and told me how exhausted he was.  I was overwhelmed with gratitude and brought low for never thinking of his sacrifices while I tried to get out of the fog of exhaustion.  Since then, I've tired as best I can to do as much as I can.  Which he often scolds me for. :)  But I can cook dinner and do laundry and clean(some of it) the house and encourage him and make his lunches and try to find fun things to do.  And every chance I get I thank him for all he is doing.  All his sacrifice and all his effort.  I am so proud of my husband.  I've never been so impressed by someone, and he's mine :)

So just a suggestion to first time moms who are newly pregnant.  Have people help!!  Your husband may argue that he can take care of you and he can.  But give him a break!  If you can't, then have someone come over and do laundry or clean the house or mow the lawn.  He needs a break!  It's exhausting running a house and taking care of an exhausted, nauseous pregnant lady :) (let alone later when there will be other rugrats running around!)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've always been a supporter of natural, mid-wife assisted births.  But I can honestly say I am now an advocate.  I always had this mindset around me growing up but ever since I got pregnant, this passion and zeal has exploded inside of me.  I could "preach" all afternoon about the "hospital system" vs "natural birth".  I don't mean to imply that it's wrong any other way then they way I think is right or that hospital births and the interventions they provide are not safe and valid if used appropriately.  But my passion is for mothers to experience what I've been told is an incredibly spiritual event.  To not be overwhelmed by fear and not pushed to unnecessary "interventions" but rather to trust their bodies and allow this process that God designed to happen.  I know I have yet to go through it and I'm not condemning anyone for their choices or preferred way of giving birth.  I just have strong personal opinions and I'm not scared to share them.  Just don't get offended if you ask me about it and I get quite passionate. :)  I'm looking forward to giving birth naturally and experiencing the fullness of what God created my body to do.  And we just trust God that things will go smoothly with no complications.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My adult life (highschool forward) has been accompanied by a really good memory.  I never realized before but, I take pride in the ability to remember insignificant details and just, use my brain!  When we moved I could tell you exactly what box and the exact area of that box my single black sock was.  Rather suddenly into the 2nd trimester, I started forgetting what happened the day before.  Jordan would ask me to do something and 5 minutes later it's like he never said anything to me.  My mantra now is, "I will try to remember to do that."  I do remember the day I realized how bad my memory was getting,  I almost had to morn it.  I've relied on it and taken pride in it for so long, and now... I set reminders in my phone for the really important things, like calling my brother when I get home, and the rest I just pray sticks long enough for me to accomplish.  It's too exhausting trying to keep it all straight.  One thing it has done is teach me not to procrastinate.  Cause if I do, I'll forget and it will never happen.

On this topic I only have one request of the general women population.  When a pregnant lady talks/complains/mentions being forgetful don't say,  "It never comes back, get used to it."  Actually, just don't say that to a pregnant lady period.  We have alot of challenges already, we don't need a black and white depressing picture of a future with no hope of an resemblance of life as we knew it.  Not to mention the fact, it's not a science and you have no idea what will happen after the baby is born.  Sorry if that's rude, just the way I see it.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I can vividly remember multiple arguments I had with my mother in Highschool.  They all centered around me wanting independence and responsibility.  "Mom, how can I be responsible if you don't let me have the chance to be?"  Translates to, I don't want to be accountable anymore and I want my freedom!!  My poor Mom :)  She was such a good Mom, but as most teenagers, all I could see was my point of view.  And so I fought tooth and nail for my independence against a loving, caring and wise set of parents.  *shakes head*  Now that "hard-won" independence that I lived out by going to Canada for Bible school, not going to college (which I don't regret), taking a solo trip to Africa for a month, etc. has now slowly been taken away from me.  By my own body.  I never thought about how pregnancy slowly takes away your ability to do many things on your own.  (I'm not saying it's impossible, major kudos to ladies out there that do this on their own.) Getting out of bed, standing up or sometimes sitting down, going up stairs, bending over, picking up something.  The list grows by the day.  Yes, part of me laments and wants to rebel against this loss of independence, but I'm learning.  Life will no longer be about me and what I want or what I can do.  Forever after it will be about our family and what we all need and want.  But at least I'll be able to roll out of bed without help or pick up my keys when I drop them. :)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A big challenge through this process has been trying to do it through my own strength.  Through the exhaustion and nausea, my body changing and the challenges that go with that to the physical pain I often cope through,  I have consistently forgotten to rely on God to get me through.  This is a lesson I wish I had learned quicker and that people had told me about.  Even though our bodies were build to have babies, we still can and should ask God for His help and strength.  I learned this well when my hip hurt so bad I could barely walk and even laying down hurt.  It was in one of these moments of trying to get into bed that I started crying out to God to help me.  And it hit me.  I haven't asked for help.  So as I'm trying to find a position that doesn't make me cry,  I start praying fervently for God's help.  And now whenever something happens or I just feel exhausted, I try to remember to lean on God.  Yes, it's pregnancy and part of life.  But I have found a big change since I started really turning to Him when I reach the end of myself.

Don't forget God!!  He wants to be with you through everything.  He is that best friend, or husband, or child that truly wants to be right by your side and helping you through every experience.  Let Him!  Invite Him!  It's always better.

To Blossom

blossom
— n
1.	the flower or flowers of a plant, esp conspicuous flowers producing edible fruit
2.	the time or period of flowering (esp in the phrases in blossom, infull blossom )
— vb
3.	(of plants) to come into flower
4.	to develop or come to a promising stage I'm sure a million blogs like this have been written about being pregnant.  But I wanted to voice my thoughts, it's my blog so I do what I want. :) Being pregnant is often NOT a beautiful thing.  The many "symptoms" and side effects can prove quite unladylike.  My husband has learned to chuckle at the noises that come out of me. I have tried to approach being pregnant a little differently than most of the ladies I know and observed.  I'm not saying anyone else did it "wrong" or that I'm "right".  I just wanted to take my own approach. One example is that I strive to never blame anything on the baby.  If I'm forgetful, I just try to shrug it off and if I have to vocalize blame, it's the hormones.  The crying for no reason, I try to simply allow it and my wonderful husband knows the best way to handle it, just hold me and let me.  It usually passes pretty quick.  But really though, I try to not say things like this baby is killing me, or ugh I hate this I'm so uncomfortable or to my husband, look what you did to me. I KNOW that this is not always fun,  it can be extremely challenging and exhausting and hard and uncomfortable and quite frankly seem impossible.  But I want to keep my mind in a specific realm of positivity. Another area that I'm striving for, is finding the beauty in my growing and changing body.  I can say now that being pregnant for the first time is quite unsettling in the way that you have no idea what to expect and you wake up morning after morning baffled at what else is new or changed.  Like loosing the ability to engage your abs.  Do you realize how much you use your abs for? Opening a door, bending, twisting, pushing a rolling chair, etc.  I never knew!  But in that there can be days that you just struggle.  Clothes stop fitting.  Nothing you put on is comfortable.  You wonder if you are getting fat or if it's just necessary weight that comes with being pregnant (not baby weight).  You wonder how is it possible to get bigger?  How will I stand upright when I do get bigger?  And your self-confidence can really take a hit if you aren't watchful. All my life friends who have been pregnant have said, "I'm getting fat" or something along those lines.  And I would always stop and tell them, "No you are not.  You are growing a baby!"  I am understanding where they are coming from better now.  Along with those hormones and the surprises your body pulls, it can be easy to just let your confidence fall and just suffer through it and hope you live through labor. But I am striving and determined to keep the positive attitude I have been working at.  I know that what is happening inside of me is a miracle.  An absolute miracle.  And it's happening IN me not TO me.  And I try to find the beauty in it.  Whether it's the small things like your hair changing or your acne clearing up (sorry for those this doesn't happen to :S) or feeling your baby dance to music or kick when you relax and stretch out.  Or seeing them in an ultrasound or hearing their heart beat, or finding out if they are a girl or boy and with these experiences letting yourself realize the intricacies and miracle you are housing.  Or simply how wonderful it feels to hold your growing belly and talk to your baby.  Or the lights that flash in people's faces when they feel the baby kick.  Or the way my husband loves her so much and talks to her and makes plans with her. I may not always feel beautiful, but I know that I am.  I know that the miracle inside of me is beautiful and worth it all. Earlier this week a friend at work, just back from vacation took one look at me and said, "You have blossomed while I was gone!" Something about this phrase stuck with me.  It was one of the best compliments I've received. The concept is just gorgeous and I'm holding on to that.

20 Weeks in and 20 Weeks out

April 2nd, 2013 -

Today is the official halfway mark!  I can hardly believe it!  But our baby girl reminds me and confirms it repeatedly for me with each kick, roll & stretch.

It was December 25, 2012, Christmas morning, that we found out God had answered our prayers and granted us the opportunity and privilege to have a child.  It was a long wait until mid-February when we told everyone the news.

Those first 3 months were a challenge for both Jordan and I.  I was constantly exhausted.  I would come home from work and collapse on the couch and begin the nightly fight with nausea.  But praise God I never threw up or got to terribly sick.  Jordan was incredible.  He did so much for me during that time and never complained about the extra work and responsibility he had to take on with me down and nauseous.

This experience so far has shown me another facet of how incredible my husband is and just how great of gift God has given me in him.  Jordan you are the best!

It was right around our 3rd anniversary that we had our first apt and shortly after that our first ultrasound.  Seeing our baby kicking and rolling around was so surreal.  I think that's when it really hit us that I hadn't just turned into a helpless sick lady. We are going to have a baby!

Seeing our baby in detail; fingers, toes, even her brain!  It was just incredible to really be able to really see the miracle of God knitting our little one together in my womb!  God is so miraculous.

It's hard to believe it was only a little over a week ago that we found out we are having a baby girl.  She already seems like a part of the family.  I think she already has a little personality.  :)  I love to feel her kicks and I love knowing she's always with me.  It's so fun when Jordan reminds me I'm never alone, I've always got our baby girl with me.

It's also hard to believe we still have another 4 1/2 months till we get to meet our sweet lil lady.  But we wait with anticipation.  I keep trying to refrain from buying cute little baby clothes, but of course it's a fight I lose on occasion.  All my life I thought God would give me lots of boys,  so this is a fun experience and I really look forward to it.  It's so fun to guess at what she'll be like.  What will she like or dislike?  Oh it will be a blast!

I can say with 100% sureness that I will love being a Mom.  I already love it!

So happy 20 weeks baby girl!  We'll see you soon!