My heart is a fickle thing...

My Heart IS a fickle thing...

The road has been so twisting, the constant I have found is uncertainty in all but my God.  I search for ways to make me smile and forget the stress and worries i heap on myself.  Some things I've found:

walking with Jordan

my family

joking at work

reading books

funny tv shows like New Girl - the lastest episode almost made me choke from laughing! (There is Carp in my dress!)

and yesterday i found this video:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=1G4isv_Fylg

and yesterday, i went to church exhausted from a long dissapointing search for a place to live.  It took me 3 or 4 songs to finally decide, no matter how sad and dissapointed i am, God is still good, God is still faithful and I will find something to praise Him for.  Worship got really sweet after that, and the knot in my throat loosened and i didn't cry anymore.

we found out thursday that we have to find a new place to live by april 1. the next day jordan got 2 job opportunities and we found the first apt that may work.  since then i have felt on the cusp of relief, to be on the other side of this....struggle, stressfest, desert.

God promised me a week ago that "I will bring you to your knees with my kindness." what an amazing promise right!  just stunned me!  But me in my human mind translated that into what i wanted: the perfect home for cheap, the perfect job for jordan, all my wishes come true.  so you can imagine with those expectations yesterday's hunt was hard on me.  especially when we drove into a condo-plex that i really like and saw a family moving out, my heart soared!  This is it!! jordan went over and asked abotu the place, i called the landlady who was tickled i called.  but my heart fell when she told me the rent.  so far beyond our reach..."where are you God? this was your chance!"

oh rachel rachel rachel.... it wasn't until i got to that 5th or 6th song at church that i realized what i had done.  God's kindness doesn't fit inside my expectations.  His kindness could come from sooo many places.  Maybe it will come in me learning how to let go and let God.  Maybe it will come in a dog! :) Or starting a family, or family moving closer, or a friend, or a deeper relationship with jordan.  Maybe it will come in supernatural peace, maybe in rama word from God, maybe a sweeter relationship with Him.  How can i think I know what His kindness should look like?  All i know is that i am holding on to His promise of kindness, and I WILL be thankful for whatever home He gives us.  whether the place has bright orange counter tops, or carpet in the batroom and kitchen.  I will be thankful! and i will try to train my fickle heart.