Real Whipped Cream and Deep Hot Chocolate

Often when I lay in bed unable to fall asleep I will try to recall a memory or visualize a place from my past and try to recreate it. Often it works and I fall asleep in the midst of memories.

Most frequently I visit a beautiful field we used to live by.

Tonight as I rock my girl back to sleep for the 4th time...a memory pops up.  One I haven't thought of in forever.

The island restaurant on Big Lake.

I remember visiting it twice.  Once in the summer and once in the winter.  I remember the smells and the way the place felt.  Like being at summer camp and on vacation at the same time.

I remember Dad took me by ferry.  A green and white cushioned interior boat.  We went out there and I think Dad did some work for them.  I remember drinking a glass of orange juice and sitting at a counter looking out on the lake.

But the memory that sticks the clearest was the winter visit.   You have to wait for the ice to set, deep and strong and cold.  Then they make ice roads.  And thanks to our trusty studded tires, away you go across the frozen lake to the island restaurant.  The dinning area is lined with windows along the exterior wall.  Every one has a view.  But I remember the place being pretty empty both visits.  Maybe cause dad was doing work for them on off hours.  All I know is it felt like we had the place to ourselves.  This time we sat at a table, looking out over the frozen landscape.  I couldn't have been older than 7 I'd say and I could already appreciate the beauty.  Dad let me get a hot chocolate.  It had a pile of whipped cream.  None of that fake stuff. This was the thick, rich, creamy stuff.  OOO man! I can taste it even now.

I felt like I was on top of the world.  I felt special because I got my own hot chocolate, in a restaurant all to ourselves, on an island, in a winter magic landscape.

Thanks Dad.  What a cool memory :)

I want to recapture that feeling.  Find the ability to sit down and enjoy a cup of hot chocolate to it's fullest.

Shouldn't that be our lives?  Shouldn't we be striving to find ways to really FEEL life?  To really TASTE it?  To leave the whirlwind lives we lead, to find a place to be QUIET.  To stop and SHARE the simple things with each other and find JOY in just being TOGETHER?

Christmas at my mom's house

I remember that decorating for Christmas was always a time of excitement, bickering and reminiscing.  We would fight over who got to set up the chipped nativity scene and then later redo it when no one was looking.  We would debate who got to set up the musical statues.

One thing I LOVED was that my mom didn't just put up a tree.  She had Christmas pictures that she changed out on the walls.  she had all sorts of knicknacks to decorate the surfaces. She even had placemats and centerpieces we used year after year.  The whole living area would transform, all to the soundtrack of christian Christmas praise.

I also loved that even if things were broken or chipped she'd just whip out her trusty, albeit a fire hazard, hot glue gun and fix it for next year.  Alas that is why many of the items I associate with Christmas are no more.  But I will always remember them.  The holly leaf shaped taper candle holder that i would use to pretend we lived w/o electricity.  Or the puffy fabric bunny Christmas scene wall hanging.  It was kinda like Peter rabbit's family. And the nativity scene. SO COOL! it was ceramic so thus everything was chipped.  but the "barn" was made of sticks and bark etc. I loved setting that up.  Christmas feels incomplete without a nativity scene.  We need to get one. Probably not ceramic though...

But most of all it was the Christmas ornaments.  Each had a story and some made us all stop and remember.  Like the one with the picture of my Dad's dog, Rex.  I remember getting teary eyed each year for awhile after he died.  Or the one's we made as crafts or the ones my aunt Peggy made over the years.

This year I got to share decorating the tree with Nora and she was THRILLED! she kept saying more more! and taking each ornament down that she could reach.  And this year more than most I wish I could transform our little apartment into a Christmas wonderland.  I will get there eventually.  Until then, I'll hold on to those happy memories and try to recreate the feelings.

Thanks Mom :)

Twirling with Nora

It's been a long day.

The first in a week of fasting one my main time consumers, so it seems even longer. :)

But mainly because Nora is teething and drooling and miserable thus fussing a large majority of the day.  But tonight as I turn on Pandora to a quiet worship station she crawls up to me and asks to be held.  I pick her up and start twirling and dancing with my girl.

The fussing stops, the drooling subsides and my girl is all smiles.  I do a little dip and she starts to giggle.  My frustrations melt and I feel peace start to rest in my tumultuous heart.

Life as of late has me feeling dizzy and disorientated.  So many challenges and obstacles to finding that rest and peace God promises.

But there are these moments, ever fleeting, that just settle over my heart like a morning mist and for a minute all I think about is right now, right here and how precious it is.

Nora teaches me so much about simplicity.

When she's hurting, she wants to be held.  So she asks to be held.

When she's tired, she gives me her cues.  In her own way asking for rest.

When she's feeling insecure, she clings to me and finds security and confidence.

I don't need to make things so complicated and try so hard to do it all on my own.

I just need to ask.  I just need to claim the promises in the Bible over me and believe it.

And as I learn these lessons, maybe I can have more frequent moments of peace and pure happiness.

I thank God for giving me my little girl and using her in so many ways to teach me such big lessons.

I miss nature

Tonight I complained to Jordan about not liking to take walks alone because we are in the city. I miss living in the country and going for walks in nature alone. It was so easy to hear and feel God in the middle of a forest or field. Here I have to hone my skills. There is so much noise and concrete and cars and ugh.

But as I walked God helped me understand it in a new way.

“Look around you and you see man trying to tame nature. Trying to dictate where things can and can't grow. But everywhere my creation springs to life, unbidden. Weeds, grass, flowers and trees pop up in rock beds, sidewalks, driveways and parking lots. My creation and nature will always be around you, you only have to look. It is relentless.”

o what a new perspective. I trust and believe that one day we will get to live in the country again and I will be able to go on walks down a dirt road or through a field or down a forest lane. But until then I will try to remember that even here in a concrete jungle I can find nature and I can still hear God's voice.

Mountains on the Glenn

God gave me a picture -

The Twin Sisters, Pioneer Peak, Bear Mtn, all the mountains that tower over the Glenn Hwy on the way to Anchorage.

They are huge, looming, impressive and majestic.  They inspire awe and paint a different breathtaking beauty with each look.

Alaskans drive along the base of these giants sheltered by them on one side and flanked by the inlet on the other.

But sometimes those mountains disappear.  The fog swallows them, the snow whites them out or the clouds settle their skirts down low, hiding them in their rainy embrace.

When those mountains are socked in, you know they are still there.  You don't question if they picked up their roots and went for a jaunt.  No, there's not doubt they are there.  And if you are really paying attention, you can feel them.  You can feel their massive bulk, their presence.

Often as an Alaskan driving that highway for the thousandth time, we take these mountains for granted.  Just as we can often take God's presence for granted.

We can forget His majesty and awesome presence looming in our life.  We "drive" our highways oblivious to the power and beauty near us.  Or we bask in the security of His constancy.

But when the fog settles, the blizzards blow or the storm clouds gather, we KNOW He is there.  If we pay attention we can feel His presence, His enormity and power.

instincts

For awhile now I have been aware that I have really good instincts and discernment.  I think the first few times I realized it was in highschool.  But I am STILL trying to learn how to listen to it.

It is incredibly hard to listen to that niggling feeling.  Or to just go with my gut.  Never more so than now, as a mom.

I have really struggled at times, well most of the time, during the past 5 months of motherhood.  I seemed to go through this cycle of.. comfortable - constantly doubting myself - make a decision - 2nd guess myself - coming to a decision again - comfortable again.  but those middle steps really have chipped away until I find myself raw and just at my wits end.

But the past few weeks I have come across a few different sources of encouragement that have really spoken to me to; trust my instincts.

One was a devotion for new moms and the other was.. well God. :)

It is incredibly hard to trust my own instincts especially as I feel so inexperienced and ignorant.  But that is the beauty of motherhood.  It is in us, the innate ability to raise our kids.  Does any other mammal 2nd guess how they are raising their offspring?

Does a bear saunter up to a ranger and ask his input on how to teach her cub to fish?

But seriously... I have the ability to be Nora's mom, and do it well.  God gave me Nora for a reason.  I have been given her as a responsibility for a purpose.  I find so much joy in her and so many challenges...  but no one else could be her mom like me.  And the more I am accepting this fact the more comfortable I feel with being her mom.

I have started trying things no one has ever given me advice on.  I am going with my gut about sleeping, eating, development, etc.  Yes there are definitely still times I feel like I am floundering and I reach out for advice.  But ultimately it's me and Jordan and we have to decide how we want to parent.

There has been a shift in my life.  Even though I am suffering from insomnia, I am finding myself more energetic.  More purposeful in my time with Nora.  I am finding myself more comfortable with my new life.

And I couldn't be more grateful for this shift.

Let me encourage you to trust yourself and your instincts.  God has given us each a unique utility belt - we just have to figure out how to use it to make the most of our lives.